Sunday, October 30, 2005

This Really Sucks

I find myself saying this -- a lot. Today, I tackled the closet or at least started. Man, this really sucks having to take Gene's clothes out of the closet. Well, I guess I could leave them there but I've got to deal with it someday. There's so much to deal with that sometimes it's overwhelming. Not just the physical stuff -- but all those thoughts, feelings, dreams, too.

I blogged a lighthearted entry last time because you really don't want to hear what I'm really feeling, do you? I'm not sure I would want to share the total story anyway -- it can be very raw and unpleasant sometimes. And then sometimes, it just really sucks.

Carlos Santana is going to be on Sunday Morning. I would've recorded it for him because he'd be sleeping in -- this really sucks.

I finally found that pair of shorts he was looking for -- this really sucks.

I have a really hard time connecting to the Internet and the computer settings are wierd. Gene always did all the technical stuff and such around here. How long has it been since I changed the clocks/vcr when Daylight Savings Time came or went? Not that I can't do it, but it makes me remember. And remembering right now still hurts -- and that sucks.

I went to the big city mall yesterday. My first time there since Gene died. It was the one we went to to see a movie on the big screen or for eyeglasses or whatever big mall business we had. I got a haircut and during my shampoo, I asked the "art director" as she was called to talk to me about her hobbies or something because I wanted a distraction. But I didn't ask soon enough and she was kind enough to blot my tears with a handy towel.

(They just ran the promo about Carlos Santana and I had that impulse again to grab the remote and get the VCR ready to record. Crap, this sucks.)

It's not all tears. I am a functioning human being, getting up and going to work, trying to take care of business. And that's taking so much longer than I thought. I thought I'd just jump right on it and knock it out. Nope, hasn't worked like that. There's wrapping up the law office business, the personal business, deciding what to do with his things, house repairs, not to mention I need to be concentrating on my new job. But I keep trying.

And even though my heart is broken, my funny bone isn't. I can still laugh and even manage to be silly on a rare occassion. Here's a photo from KimG's birthday celebration. I left there feeling recharged and thinking about how much fun I'd had.

Here they are -- aren't they as cute as little buttons? Let me tell you, this is a little button collection that I cherish. They have been so present and supportive. I truly love my little family of former co-workers.

And many, many other people have been so supportive. Thanks to you all. If you know me well, then you know how hard it is to admit I need help. Thanks for prodding me to accept the generous offers. I have always had an image of myself has "being of hardy stock and able to handle anything" but this has singularly knocked me on my butt.

Well, this turned out to be much longer than I'd expected but I've been wanting to post and I guess this was the day.


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